


Hearing Your Hurt, Seeing Your Sorrow

by pseudonymical



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Adult Levi, Angst, College Student Eren Yeager, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gang Rape, Gang Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Relationship Problems, Romance, Unconsummated Relationship, Virgin Eren Yeager, anal rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-02 03:40:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4044481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pseudonymical/pseuds/pseudonymical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger had always been the louder and more talkative one out of the pair, and being the hotheaded and stubborn man that he was, this trait would occasionally lead to fights between him and his partner, Levi. That was alright, though, because the said fights had never actually caused any permanent damage to their relationship.</p>
<p>Given this, they didn't think it was possible that one of their fights would catalyse an incident that would change them forever.</p>
<p>That is, of course, until it did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hearing Your Hurt, Seeing Your Sorrow

Eren Jaeger had always been the louder and more talkative one out of the pair, and Levi had always been the one begging him to be quiet.

For one, Eren would greet his boyfriend every morning with a light peck on the lips and – when Levi would slowly stir awake from his slumber – bury his face on the man’s chest, laughing heartily. He’d also murmur, “Good morning, Lazypants. Time to rise and shine.” Levi, being the late riser that he was, would wrap his arms around the brunet and ask him to shut up.

Then there was the incessant proclamation of love that Levi thought was wholly unnecessary but Eren seemed to think the world needed more of. They popped up all the time: it would be said whenever Eren fixed Levi’s tie before he went out the door for work; it would be written in the bottom of text messages Levi received during his break; or even during one of their movie nights, where Eren would be huddled inside the blanket with his head on Levi’s chest, uttered during the short couple seconds prior to him falling asleep. Levi would cluck his tongue and scowl, waving the phrase away, and Eren would pout in mock sadness.

 And of course, there were the countless conversations they’d had that were really just monologues on Eren’s part, and the squeals of joy and laughter that would erupt from the brunet’s throat. Levi would constantly ask, “Why are you always so damn loud?” To which Eren would reply, “You’re just too quiet, Levi.” And smile.

With this trait, however, came hotheadedness and obstinacy. And while these had never actually caused any permanent damage to their relationship, they do end up getting in fights neither of them wanted.

Such was the case that day.

“Levi,” Eren groaned as he entered Levi’s study. “Tell me we’re going out for dinner tonight. I can’t stand staying in this house for another second.”

Without looking up from the report he was reading, Levi replied, “I have work to do, brat.”

The brunet approached the sitting man sluggishly, dragging his feet on the floor. “But Levi, I’ve been cooped up in my room for the last six hours studying for my finals. Your work can wait, can’t it? I _really_ need to get out of this house, otherwise I’ll explode!”

“My deadline’s tomorrow morning, Eren. There’s food in the fridge if you’re hungry. Close the door on your way out, would you?”

After contemplating on his actions, Levi would later realize that he should’ve shown a greater deal of compassion to the university student. He was, after all, his boyfriend, and that’s what boyfriends do, isn’t it? Care for one another even when they had their own problems to deal with?

Levi should’ve realized that Eren was under great stress and needed the attention. He should’ve known better than to prioritise work over his own boyfriend. But most of all, he should’ve done whatever he could to prevent the additive effect of both their stress from causing a nuclear reaction that was their fight.

But he hadn’t. He’d been too engulfed in his work, in his anger towards his boss and the extra work he’d given him, to realize everything that he’d ought to have seen.

“Do you even care about me?” Eren asked, tone accusing, after a moment of silence, and Levi finally looked up from his paperwork.

“What are you talking about?” He took off his reading glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Eren, I really don’t have time for this.”

“No,” Eren spat out, “of course you don’t. You _obviously_ only have time for work and work alone!”

Levi sighed. He wasn’t unfamiliar with Eren’s tantrums, and he usually took pride in always being the calm and collected out of the two. But for some reason unfathomable to even him, he couldn’t do the same that time. He’d have enough bullshit in the last 48 hours to last him a whole year. He really didn’t need more.

“So what are you suggesting?” He found himself asking, voice loud and rising. “That I _abandon_ my job so that I can cater to all of your needs? Is that it?”

Eren huffed. “Even if it was, would you do it for me? I really don’t think so. You love your work so much that sometimes I wonder why you even bothered starting a relationship!”

It was Levi’s turn to shout. “Yeah, well, maybe it was because I thought that my partner hadn’t been such a pain in the ass!”

The second the words escaped his mouth, he froze, knowing that he’d said the wrong thing. Eren’s face, before a contorted mix of anger and frustration, visibly fell when the words arrived, slapping him across the face with enough force to render him speechless.

Levi hated himself. He really did.

“Eren,” he said the moment he realized his mistake. “I didn’t mean that. Eren, listen to me –”

“No,” Eren murmured, voice cracking, and Levi felt guilt punching him in the chest. “You meant every single word you said.” The rueful smile the brunet had on, along with the single streak of tears running down his cheek, was enough to shred Levi’s heart into pieces.

“Eren, no, I didn’t mean that.” Levi stood up and was just about to walk towards the boy when Eren turned around.

“I… I’m going out to get fresh air. I’ll be back in an hour. Please don’t follow me.” Levi could hear the coldness and unsteadiness in his voice, and it took all his willpower to stay still and not chase after his lover as his figure disappeared behind the door.

Levi sat back down on his chair and glared at the piece of paper he’d been reading.

_It’s okay_ , he thought. _We’ve had plenty of fights before. Eren always goes for a walk after a fight. He’ll be back and we’ll talk about it. It’ll be fine._

With a groan, he picked up the report and continued reading it, his mind racing, thinking about anything and everything but work.

 

* * *

 

Levi first felt that something was wrong when Eren didn’t return home one and a half hour after he’d left. But given Eren’s lack of a sense of time, Levi waved the feeling off, instead opting to cook spaghetti and meatballs – Eren’s favourite food – in hopes of lightening the mood when he came back.

After another half an hour without any signs of Eren, however, Levi decided to call him, hoping that the boy wouldn’t still be mad at him – a stupid wish, really.

“Eren, come on, pick up…” he murmured beneath his breath, walking to and fro the kitchen and living room. “Please pick up…”

But he didn’t, not even after Levi called him for the fifth time, and thrice using the landline. It was only then that Levi decided to text him, worry and anguish sitting heavily on his chest.

_To: Eren Jaeger_

_Message:_

_Eren, I didn’t mean what I said. I was frustrated with work and hadn’t been aware of what I said until I said it out loud. I’m sorry. Please come home soon. I’m worried._

_Love you,_

_Levi_

He threw his phone on the couch and ran his fingers through his hair. It was normal for Eren to be mad, and it was often that Eren came home later than expected, but Levi had a feeling that day wasn’t going to turn out to be a normal fight day.

No. He truly believed that something was off.

 

* * *

 

The first message came five minutes after Levi sent his second text, and Levi couldn’t have scrambled faster across the room to open it.

It was a video message, duration of seven minutes.

Odd as it was, he didn’t think anything of it and quickly loaded the message.

At first, he couldn’t really decipher what was going on in the video. It was dark and shaky, with a little hint of brick red and faint yellow. Then the audio kicked in, a cacophony of cries and pants and laughter, accompanied with sounds of struggle and muffled screams, and Levi knew that his instinct had been right. Something was wrong.

_Hey, it’s recording._

_Say something, fuckface._

_We’re sending this to your precious Levi._

The camera shifts, and even in the darkness Levi could faintly see Eren’s figure, clad in his white sweatshirt, pinned down to what seemed like tarmac road by four other people looming over him, each pressing down on his body.

_Your fuckboy, is he?_

_Say hi, Bright Eyes._

The person holding the phone walked closer to Eren, and Levi could hear the muffled screams and cries of pain from his lover.

_Oh just get going, would you?_

_His battery won’t hold out for much longer._

_I bet your Levi’s been waiting for a reply for a long time._

Levi’s knees threatened to give away when he realized what was happening. He felt his breath hitch in his chest, felt his heart drop, stop, and yet there it was, beating hard, threatening to crack a rib.

He felt numb as he watched the figures collectively punch him in the chest, kick him on the sides and, when they were sure he had no energy left to fight, strip him of all his clothes, before inevitably getting rid of their own belts, taking turns to pin the boy down.

He felt his insides churn, his blood freeze, his throat bone-dry, as the figures positioned themselves behind the boy and in front of him, all thrusting together, over and over and over. His ears picked up the grunts, the moans, everything, but what truly shattered his heart was listening to the cries, the wails, the _pain_ in Eren’s voice as he choked up for help.

Levi couldn’t stop the tear from escaping his eye when he heard his name being called out, over and over and over again, raspy and muffled voice barely audible under the rough voices of lust, but loud enough to knock the life out of him.

Levi knew he had to do something, _anything_ , to help. But right then he was frozen in place, bolted to the floor by a hurricane of emotions the way Eren was nailed down the ground by the scum of the world.

_How’d you like that, fuckboy? You like our dicks down your throat?_

_You dare use teeth and we’ll bash your skull in._

_Oh yeah, go squirm. It feels good when you move._

There were more thrusting, more moans, and Levi could only watch in horror as one of the men yanked Eren’s head by the hair against his pelvis, making him choke and cry.

_Oh look at that, you’re all hard._

_Little bitch. You get off on this, don’t you?_

_Two cocks up his ass and two more down his throat, and the bitch still enjoys it._

By then, Eren had stopped moving altogether, stopped trying to escape because what was the point? All the damage had been done, and even if he’d managed to get away from them, he wouldn’t have the energy to run.

_Oh fucking hell, he’s tight._

_I’m gonna come soon. Oh I’m coming!_

_Jesus, I’m so close!_

_Suck, boy. Suck._

_OH! OH!_

The men peaked almost simultaneously, their grunts blaring out from the phone’s speakers. Eren choked as the two men in front of his face tilted his face upwards, forcing him to swallow.

_That’s the spirit!_

_How’d you like that?_

_I came inside you._

_We all came inside you, you whore._

They all zipped up their pants and brushed down their shirts, occasionally giving Eren a kick in the abdomen or a slap on the butt.

_Hey, Jake! You still wanna fuck him?_

_Oh fuck no. He’s all torn and shit. I’ll send this over to his bitch and we’ll go get Susan._

_Now we’re talking. That bitch gives a mean blowjob._

_What are we going to do with this shit?_

_Leave him. He’s trash now._

_What a whore._

And for the first time in his life, Levi trembled, tears flowing down his face and a hand clamped over his mouth, as the screen of his phone went blank.

Without thinking, he called Eren’s phone, begging to whatever god was up there that they’d left Eren with his phone, that Eren still had enough energy to answer the call to tell him where he was. He ran and shoved his feet down his shoes, dashing out of their house.

“Levi…” came the raspy greeting.

“Eren! Eren, are you alright? Where are you? Where are you right now?” Levi shouted into his phone, already dashing down the stairs to their apartment unit.

“…Joe’s place.”

“Okay, I’m on my way there. Stay awake, Eren. Eren, do you hear me? I’m going to get you, okay? Eren, are you listening to me?”

“…It hurts, Levi. It hurts so much.”

“I know, Eren. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please… I’m so sorry.”

“Help me, Levi. It hurts…”

“I’m on my way, Eren. Stay with me.”

“…It hurts.”

Eren’s quiet sobs filled the car the whole drive there.

 

* * *

 

Joe’s Bar had always been Eren’s favourite place to drink. It was the place the two of them had met, the place the two of them had always gone to for quick dinner dates, and ultimately the place Eren would go to for a drink after a fight.

Levi kept his eyes on the bar as he sprung out of his car, doubting he would see the place in the same light ever again.

“Eren?” he said to the phone. “Eren, I’m at Joe’s. Can you tell me where you are?”

Levi heard the cry twice, first by the alley one block down the bar, second from his phone. He shoved his phone into his pocket and ran towards the alley, stupidly hoping that everything was alright, that the video wasn’t real and that Eren was playing a prank on him.

But of course, real life didn’t work that way. Luck was merely an illusion to feed the unfortunate, and miracles and prayers were nothing but myths.

Levi found Eren lying naked on the ground, jeans and sweatshirt bundled in a corner, boxers entangled around his ankles. Without another word, he picked up the clothes and went to put them on the lying boy.

Eren flinched when he set him down in his car, and Levi pretended not to see the streak of red already seeping through the fabric of his jeans. They headed to the hospital, neither of them breaking the silence of the car.

 

* * *

 

In the hospital, Levi was asked to wait outside as they checked Eren into the ER. It was another half an hour before the doctors walked out of Eren’s room and told Levi how he was.

Eren had two broken ribs and a sprained ankle. There were several bruises and scratches, but he wouldn’t be needing stitches for any of those. He’d managed to avoid deep rectal perforation, and he’d also managed not to tear his sphincter considerably. He had several anal fissures, but nothing that would cause permanent injury or pain. His throat was a bit raw from the friction, but that would go away in several days. Tomorrow, Eren would be tested for diseases, but for now they were going to let him sleep and rest.

Levi entered the dark room and made his way to the chair by Eren’s bed. In the quiet of the night, he could hear the soft snore coming from the bed, and knew that Eren was already asleep.

Levi sat down next to him, next to the PCA pump injecting sedatives into his lover’s bloodstream, burying his head in his hands.

He shouldn’t have let Eren go out on his own. He shouldn’t have prioritized work over his own boyfriend. He shouldn’t have said what he said, and if he could just rewind time, he would make sure that Eren never stepped out of the apartment without anyone to protect him. He would make sure that he was there with Eren, out, enjoying a meal at Joe’s.

Should’ve, would’ve, could’ve...

It was all so easy in past tense.

 

* * *

 

Levi awoke the next morning to the nudge on his hand.

“Eren?” Levi murmured, straightening himself on the chair. His back felt sore from sleeping in the chair, but Eren didn’t need to know that. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m on morphine, I don’t feel anything,” Eren rasped, before clearing his throat and motioned for the glass pitcher on his nightstand. Levi poured him a glass of water and helped him take a few sip before placing it on the stand.

“Are you hungry? I can ask the nurse to bring your breakfast now if you’d like,” Levi said, looking at the bruise developing on Eren’s cheek.

“I don’t really feel like eating,” Eren whispered, casting his gaze down at his fingers, before finally casting a rueful smile at Levi. “You should eat, though. You haven’t eaten since last night, have you?”

Levi shrugged. “I’ll be fine.”

They both remained silent for a while, even as a nurse came in to check on Eren and reset his morphine pump. Levi was never one to complain about periods of silence – he acknowledged that they were rare, given Eren, and should hence be appreciated as they were – but right then he’d give anything to listen to Eren ramble on about some hippie band he'd recently fallen in love with.

“Do you want to watch TV? I’ll get the remote for you,” Levi offered.

“I thought you hated TV.”

“Yeah, well, some white noise would be nice right now. You’re usually the one filling up the silence.”

The corner of Eren’s lips perked up. “True,” he said. “But no thanks.”

“Alright.”

Levi was just about to succumb into the enveloping silence when Eren suddenly called out to him.

“Levi. How are you feeling?” he asked, taking Levi by surprise.

“Isn’t that supposed to be my line?”

“No.” Eren looked up at him then, a frown apparent on his face. “How do you feel about this? About me?”

“I don’t understand.”

Eren looked exasperated then. “I was _raped_ , Levi. By other men. Four of them, if memory serves me right. You saw the video, I know you did. How do you feel about that?”

“I feel angry, and sad, but mostly regret –”

“No, Levi. I was _raped_. I’m used, worn, _torn_. I’m no longer a virgin. How do you feel about me now?”

Levi stared at Eren incredulously. “What happened to you does not and will not change how I feel towards you, Eren. I love _you_ , not your virginity. You’re no different now than you were before.”

“Yeah, but I’m dirty now. You hate dirty things, don’t you?”

Levi reached out to hold Eren’s hand and went to kiss his knuckles. “Eren, look at me.” The boy did, slowly, a look of uncertainty painted on his face. “You are not defined by what other people do to you – by what they did to you last night. None of this is your fault. They are bad people, and what they do to others describes who they are as people, not anyone else.”

Eren’s lips trembled and his eyes welled up. “But they’ve taken away the one thing I could give you, Levi. You’ve done so much for me, what with food, shelter, school and care, and what can I give you? Nothing! I thought that at the very least I could give you my virginity, let you be the first and only one to touch me in that way, but I can’t even give you that now…”

Levi leaned against the bed and cupped Eren’s cheek, praying silently that he wouldn’t flinch away. He didn’t, and Levi closed the distance between both of them, pressing his lips against Eren’s gently, before pressing their foreheads together.

“Eren, I love you, and I do everything I can for you because I love you, not because I expect you to return my favours. Understood?”

Eren nodded, finally dropping the topic, but both of them knew that Eren would be walking out of the hospital a different person.

 

* * *

 

Throughout the weeks following Eren’s release from the hospital, Eren refused to talk about the incident and both he and Levi pretended that it never happened.

There was nothing they wanted more than to resume normal life.

But both of them were constantly reminded that that wasn’t an option, not really. Eren, despite his best efforts to return to his joyful and energetic persona, was significantly more somber after coming home from the hospital. He also appreciated solitude more than he ever had before, and while Levi would normally be relieved that he could finally work in peace, this change in character only worried him even more.

Of course, it didn’t help that Eren would grunt in pain whenever he sat down, or that he would unconsciously flinch away from Levi whenever they cuddled. And it pained Levi to see that his partner was in so much pain, not knowing how to help him because help was the last thing Eren wanted.

“I’m not disabled,” he’d once said when Levi had offered to carry his bag for him. “It’s a sprained ankle; don’t treat me as if I’ve lost a leg.”

Levi surrendered to passive helping: placing Eren’s cup nearer to the edge of the coffee table so that he wouldn’t have to lean as much; secretly replacing the cushions on their chairs to softer but physically identical ones; doing some of the laundry in the middle of the night so that he wouldn’t have as much clothes to wash the next day when Levi went to work.

Levi pretended not to see the small blood stains on their bed sheets every morning, or the fact that Eren sat crookedly on his chair whenever they ate. At night, when Eren would start to whimper and cry in his sleep, Levi would gently shake him by the shoulder, waking him up. He’d rub soothing circles on his back and tell him that everything was fine, that he was there; he was there to protect him this time. And when Eren fell asleep the second time, Levi would gently caress his cheek and hold him against his chest, where they would stay together until the sun rose the next day.

Once, however, Eren stayed awake.

“Levi,” he mumbled as Levi wiped the streak of tears from his cheek.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” Levi turned so that he was lying on his back.

“I’m sorry for all of this.” Eren shifted closer to Levi and placed his face in the nook of Levi’s neck.

Levi patted his back, staring blankly at the dark ceiling above them. “There’s nothing to be sorry about, Eren. Go to sleep; you still have class tomorrow.”

A moment of silence where Levi thought Eren would actually listen and go back to sleep.

“I should’ve given it to you during our anniversary… Should’ve just gone through with the sex. At least then you’d be my first,” Eren said.

“You wanted to save sex for until you get married, and I respected your wishes. I still do.”

“But how would you feel then, knowing that I’m no longer a virgin?”

“People stop being virgins when they’ve had sex,” Levi murmured. “Rape is not sex.”

Eren gave him a cold smile. “That’s nice… But I think that once you’ve had two men inside you and two more down your throat at once, you have to stop calling yourself a virgin. That’d just be lying to yourself.”

“Eren, I see you no differently now than I did before. I’m still waiting – very eagerly, I might add – to get a taste of that Jaeger-butt once we get married.” The joke fell off dry. “No?”

“Your jokes are shit, as always.”

At that, both men chuckled.

“I know you changed the cushions and do the laundry at night, Levi,” Eren said after a while. “The cups, the doors… all the small little things you do to make my life less… painful.”

“It’s the least I could do.”

Eren sighed, playing with the hem of Levi’s shirt. “I’m sorry we don’t get to cuddle as often now…”

Levi chuckled, though the sound lacked any humour. “You know I don’t mind the lack of physical contact,” he whispered, even though both of them knew that it was a lie. Levi loved cuddling, especially given Eren’s opposition to premarital sex.

“If I was a brat before, then I can only imagine how much of a pain I am to take care of now…”

There was a moment where deafening silence filled the whole room, and Levi felt that the room was suddenly too hot, too stuffy.

“Eren…”

Eren shook his head, turning so that his back was facing Levi. “Forget it,” he said. “Good night, Levi.”

Levi stared at the ceiling for a while, thinking about everything that, when he thought about it, really totaled up to nothing.

He closed his eyes, letting the stream of hot tears travel down his cheek as they had all these weeks.

“I love you, Eren. Don’t forget that,” he whispered to no one in particular, just as he had all these years.

Carefully, he got out of bed and headed to the utility room to do his share of their laundry. Before he closed the door behind him, however, he could hear the soft sob coming from the mound on the bed, muffled by the sheets.

Eren Jaeger had always been the louder and more talkative one out of the pair, and Levi had always been the one begging him to be quiet.

But right then, Levi wanted nothing more than for the boy to talk.

**Author's Note:**

> Suddenly had the brilliant idea of writing a rape fic in the midst of my exams. Hurrah!  
> Hope that wasn't as bad as I think it was. Didn't really have time to reread the whole thing.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Edit: For those of you wondering why Levi didn't hand over the video to the police, I'm thinking of making a Part Two and having that as one of the scenes in it after I finish exams. No guarantees though.


End file.
